Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Day I Ran Over Brooke Hogan

The blog title is a slight exaggeration.

I’m just going to start by saying that I really missed Mike today.  A lot.  Long distance isn’t any fun.  Not even a little.  Not even in the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” type of way.  Long distance is synonymous with torture. Sometimes I feel like 6 hours away might as well be Japan.



Alright, enough of that.

Tallahassee has WAY too much traffic.  This issue is only magnified on game days.  If any of you actually know me, you know I’m a little bit anal about my car.  Ok...a lot a bit. I would rather drive somewhere than ride with someone.  I like knowing that my car is around if I need to dip out of a place or situation.  I don’t like being dependent on other people. 

This gets inconvenient when A) gas prices are about as high as what I could sell my liver for on eBay, and B) I drink a little too much and can’t drive home.  Anyway, I drove Megan, Tori, three raunchy high school boys (Megan’s brother and 2 friends) and myself to the football game today.  All was well until it came time to leave.  We picked up a straggler, Dani, and ended up with an extra person in the car.  Just kidding.  And I mean straggler in the most affectionate way possible.  I love her.

Megan's brother is the painted kid in the middle.   The other two hoodlums are his friends.  Then there's Tori, Me, Megan, Dani and her BF, Rob.  I didn't drive Rob.
So if you’re incompetent at math like I am, that made 7 people.  My car fits 5.  Megan and Dani were in the front.  I made them wear the seat belt.

“I DON’T CARE HOW UNCOMFORTABLE YOU ARE! SAFETY FIRST.”

I already knew that driving on campus today would be mayhem.  One-way roads get their direction reversed.  Some roads get shut down all together.  There is an army of cops directing traffic at every intersection.  And troops of seemingly suicidal pedestrians try to mount themselves on the hood of my car.  USE THE DAMN CROSSWALKS, PEOPLE!

Driving around battling panic attacks and anxiety about whether or not a cop was going to ticket me for not having enough seatbelts for all of my passengers was just the cherry on top of a STRESS SUNDAE.
 
So we turned right onto Jefferson from my parking spot.  A few seconds later I almost road-killed a drunken frat daddy because he decided to play Frogger right as the light turned green.  The road I wanted to take was blocked off and I was forced to turn left.  For some reason, the person behind me decided I was an authority on game-day travel, so they followed me down a road I didn’t even know existed.  This lead to a dead end and a U-turn and I’m sure a few curse words on their part.

“No biggie we’ll just go down Pensacola to Stadium Drive and then Gaines and then Jackson Bluff and it’ll totally work out without ANY flaws.”

ERR! WRONG.

We drove down Pensacola and turned onto Stadium without any hitches, but then Mr. Smarty Pants with a badge wouldn’t let me go straight because obviously the only way to avoid the apocalypse is to divert ALL traffic to the left and ONLY THE LEFT.

This ultimately led us right back to where we started…my parking spot.  This time we turned right onto Jefferson.  ===========]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]; (Buffalo just walked across my laptop and I didn’t want to delete it because I think it’s funny) A few minutes later we saw Brooke Hogan (THE Brooke Hogan) and proceeded to verbally harass her through my car windows. 

She doesn't look this photoshopped in real life. 

And when I said verbally harass, I actually mean it went more like this:

“Oh my gosh, is that Brooke Hogan?”

“YEA IT TOTALLY IS!”

“Someone yell Hi to her!”

(Someone rolled down the window and yelled, “HI BROOKE!”)

She then looked over at us and smiled and waved.  The boy she was with was not cute.

We soldiered onward through the traffic. 

Anyway, seeing as I’m at home right now blogging about this, we clearly made it out of campus alive and well and ticket free.
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