Friday, September 13, 2013

Self Portrait


I believe that a kind word has the power to change a life.  I believe in myself most days and on the days that I don’t, I believe in my ability to turn things around, even when I may need a bottle of wine and four or five brownies before I find the motivation.  I believe in using sarcasm on a daily basis and that straight answers are rarely to be given.  I believe in the happiness seeing an old friend brings and in the healing ability of slow, sappy, love songs.

I think I have a lot to look forward to.  Sometimes I think I’m lame and sometimes I think I’m awesome.  Some days I think I’m impossible to love and some days I think I’m too emotional, too moody, and too fat.  Other days I think I’m beautiful.  

I want to be happy forever and I want to do whatever it takes to make that possible.  I don’t always know what that is but I have faith whatever happens, happens for a reason.  I want to make the people around me happy too.  I want to be a role model.  I want to be envied for my personality, not for my possessions.  I want to rely more on myself and less on others.  I want to keep in touch with the people who are important to me.

I love my life most days.  I love eating breakfast at two in the afternoon and the way the world smells after a late summer storm.  I love my husband and my parents and my friends.  I love having one man in my life that I can dedicate my heart to.  I love Bella and the way she loves me back.  I love my cats and the way they pretend not to notice me.  I love getting new perfume and the way clean sheets feel on freshly shaved legs.  I love drinking too much wine on weekdays and eating too much cheese.  Or eating too much anything.  I love being smart and witty.  I love being being able to call myself a college graduate. 

I hope my philosophies pay off one day.  I hope our country gets smarter by the next election.  I hope my children love me.  I hope I make the right decisions for the future but more important, for the now.  I hope my wrong decisions lead me somewhere better than I expected.  I hope my family knows how much I appreciate them.  I hope I never take a passing smile for granted and I hope I get better at saying good-bye.  I hope I never have to say good-bye too soon. 

I don’t believe life is completely random.  I don’t believe in abortion even though I used to think I had to.  I don’t believe in second-guessing gut feelings although I have in the past.  I don’t believe in walking really far when you can drive but I know the extra steps won't kill me.  I don’t believe you can ever have too many clothes but I hate feeling materialistic.  I don’t believe in homophobia.  I don’t believe in forcing your opinions onto others.  I don’t believe you can ever have too much cheese.  Ever.

I feel fat right now because I haven’t been to the gym since last week and I haven't run more than I mile in several months.  I feel like I should apply myself more.  I feel the need to reorganize my bedroom and to take a car-load of things to Goodwill.  I feel empty when I’m uninspired and I feel like I will never be a successful writer.  Sometimes I feel like all of my dreams are pipe dreams and sometimes I feel like I could rule the world.  I feel like I ought to be better at multitasking.  I feel like some of the most beautiful things are also some of the most underrated.

I need to be reminded sometimes.  I need reciprocation.  Sometimes I need space to breathe but sometimes I need to be wrapped up in a hug so tight I think I might suffocate.  I need my camera, my cell phone, and my laptop no matter how pathetic it makes me feel to be so technologically dependent.  I need pedicures and manicures and I always need a massage but I also need to spend my money on other things.  Like cat food.  And light bulbs. 

I fear the uncertainty of the future and I fear that I waste too much time trying to delay the inevitable, whatever it might be.  I fear I’ll never reach my full potential and I fear I’ll be okay with it.  I fear I’m going to lose people along the way to where I’m going.  I don't want to dwell too much on the past or regret too many of my choices.

I don't like people who think they are more important than I am.  I hate people with a gross sense of entitlement.  I dislike people who have opinions simply for the sake of having opinions.  I hate onions unless they are fried in spicy batter.  I hate meatloaf and stuffing, too.  I hate that I don’t like to cook.  I hate that I constantly compare myself to others.  I hate that life is a competition and I’m not competitive.

I hate that I don’t know who exactly I want to be.
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5 comments

  1. Love this post! Beautiful pictures!!

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  2. Love this post. It's beautiful and real and honest. The best kind.

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  3. I love your take on this topic. Beautiful words.

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  4. I love your gorgeous picture and your open words. I like being able to see the whole perspective of your personality, like it's all a snapshot of your life as it is right now, the big (like fearing uncertainty) and the small (like needing a massage but buying light bulbs instead) ; )

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  5. Hi, It's me Aunt Donna, I'm not really anonymous, although somedays people feel thta way about me. My google account is screwed up currently, I want to join and follow but need to fix the google thing. it messes with my yahoo pages for some reason.
    anyway about your writing and your thoughts: you are such a beautiful young woman in all ways and I enjoy reading wht you write, how you think, what goes through that pretty head of yours. I like the way you make random comments like needing to buy lightbulbs which just shows your sense of humor. don't ever doubt yourself, trust me, you are all that and a bag of string cheese. LOL love ya...auntie D

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