Friday, September 18, 2009

You know I'm here, right?

I do not care about your oozing blister or how early your period is.  I don’t care if your boyfriend has a potassium deficiency or if your mother is on cocaine.  I don’t know you.  The only thing I know about you is that you are in my 9:30 AM class and, on the few days I actually arrive early, you are early too. You are ALWAYS on the phone and apparently have NO concept of volume control. 

I think it is a widely accepted notion that when there are only two or three people in a room and one person is having an VERY LOUD conversation on the phone, whoever is in earshot has nothing better to do than eavesdrop.  At least that is always the case with me.  If you are going to have a loud, PRIVATE conversation, I am going to listen.  And I am going to bitch about it later.  And don’t be all like, “Well, I’m not forcing you to listen to what I am talking about. You can just tune it out.”  No.  I’m sorry.  That is not how it works. 

The minute I hear your phone vibrate, all of my muscles tense up and I begin a little battle in my head.  “Is she going to answer it?  If she answers, is she going to stay in here and talk? No. She wouldn’t be that rude.  Of course she’ll go outside into the hallway?  Oh no. She’s digging in her bag.  Maybe it’s just an alarm she has to turn off.  Shit. She answered. Don’t make me pull a double Van Gogh!”  And then it begins.

I do not care how wasted you were last night or how many creepy guys were staring at you.  First of all, I am sure your vagina was hanging out and begging to be oogled so stop complaining and just accept the fact that if you dress like a slut, people are going to look at you like you are one.
I do not care about the Gyno appoitment you missed and then rescheduled and then went to hung-over.  I REALLY don’t care about the wart he found and I REALLY REALLY don’t care to hear you recount the 15 possibile men you could have gotten it from.

Seriously, people.  There are some conversations that other people are not meant to overhear.  I’m not sure if college just makes people not give a damn about who is privy to their sensitive information, but it seems like everywhere I go people (especially girls) are talking about this kind of stuff at an ear piercing volume. 

Keep it down, folks! I promise, your life is NOT that interesting.

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