Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Line Waiting

I hate waiting in line.  It’s like I’m a different person every time I go shopping.  Even the most saintly of women transforms into a she-beast when waiting in line.

I’m always in a hurry and wherever I have to be is infinitely more important than where the person in front of me has to be.  And I don’t care if the girl behind me only has a package of cotton balls.  I’m not letting her get in front of me.  If I am in this store for 5 minutes longer I will seriously turn you into a human Q-tip.

Nobody in the 10 items or less lane ever has 10 items or less.  I always want to yell, YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST A SUGGESTION! I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE 11 THINGS.  GTF OUT OF THIS LINE! I feel like I’m the only one that ever follows that rule.

I am also the only one who is allowed to break it.  I blatantly stroll up with a full cart.  Never mind that there’s not even a conveyor belt in this lane.  I am here to ruin your day.  But sometimes I try to be really sneaky about it.  “Let’s see how much crap I can hide in this Tupperware container.” (Evil Laugh)  It’s so satisfying to hear the people behind me sigh and grumble as they realize I really have more like 15 items.  IN YOUR FACE, WAL*MART! RULES ARE FOR SCHMUCKS.

Why do they always hire the cashiers who move at the speed of a crippled snail?  It’s like they have a game every day to see who can ring up the least amount of customers.  COME ON.  IT’S A PACKAGE OF GUM NOT A SMALL NUCLEAR BOMB, YOU DON’T NEED TO CALL YOUR SUPERVISOR.

I hate the impatient cashier.  She acts like she’s dealing with a retard.  I’m not the one working at Wal*Mart, lady.
“Excuse me, the credit card machine seems to be broken, it won’t read my card.”
- “You gotsta swipe it slower…”
“Yea, I tried.”
(She impatiently thrusts out her hand and snatches my card.  Then she swipes it through her private little swiper thingy, careful not to snap off one of her 10-inch-long acrylics)
-“Here.  Sign.”
(I’m too busy contemplating the best/easiest way to rip out her weave.  Thank goodness the pen worked.)

I hate line jumpers.  I’m not talking about cutters.  I’m talking about people who can’t just pick a line and commit to it.  I’m talking about my mother.  You know, the people who pick a line and then spend the duration of their wait scamming on the other lines to see if a different one is moving more quickly.  “Hey Anna, I’ll stand in this line, you go stand in that line and then I’ll come over there if you get to the cashier before I do.”  NO, MOM! HEAVEN FORBID THE LADY IN THE WHEELCHAIR GETS OUT OF THE STORE BEFORE WE DO.
I also hate magazine perusers.  They awkwardly stand in the line fingering through the latest edition of Cosmopolitan.  They aren’t going to buy it.  But they stand there and take up space.  And then when I ask if they are actually in line or not, they laugh and say “No, I’m just reading.”  OKAY CRAZY PERSON, THIS IS A STORE NOT A LIBRARY AND YOU ARE IN MY WAY SO MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.  But sometimes they are in line, and they get so wrapped up in whether or not Jennifer Aniston is pregnant for real this time, they forget that they are waiting in front of me and that I am 5 seconds away from killing them with my shopping cart.

Someone always forgets to get something that they NEEDED.  They leave their shopping cart in the line like it’s a valid placeholder.  SORRY, NO SAVESIES!  Think again.  I’m not waiting for you to scour the store for that jar of rare Tahitian pixie dust.  You’re not going to find it and then you’ll come back, shrug, and say, “Well, I guess I don’t need it that badly.”  And then I’ll try my best to hide the steam that’s shooting out of my ears.  YOU MEAN YOU MADE ME WAIT HERE FOR 30 SECONDS AND YOU COME BACK EMPTY HANDED?

And then there’s the times when you’ve spent hours in the store and you are so relieved to be finished when you walk up to the cash registers.  All of the lines super long.  That’s the worst feeling ever.  No matter what kind of strategy you employ, you will be waiting in a really long line for a really long time.  And then, the best thing that can ever happen in a store, happens to YOU.  “I can take the next customer in line at register 9.”   BEST DAY EVER! HAHAHA SUCKERS I GET MY OWN LINE! HAVE FUN WAITING, LOOOSERS.


  1. I totally agree with just about everything you said. BUT, what the heck are you doing at Wal-Mart anyway?!?!?! Make the switch to Target.


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