Saturday, July 20, 2013

Things I Don't Get

There are certain things I encounter during the course of living that really freak me out.  And I mean "freak me out" in a broad sort of way.  Sometimes I'm disgusted.  Sometimes I'm so intrigued I can't decide whether it's gross or awesome.  Sometimes I'm baffled...literally struck speechless by human kind's ability to be so completely stupid.  Or ignorant.  Or rude.  You know?  There are so many moments that I, as a person, wish I were an animal.  Because animals have better manners.

One of the many things I don't understand is improper bathroom etiquette, especially in women.  Mike and I went to see Despicable Me 2 the other day, and half-way through the movie my diet coke had completely relocated itself from my stomach to my bladder.  I had to couldn't wait.  I scampered to one of the theater's restrooms and went into the nearest stall.  The place smelled like a Porta Potty (I don't know if Porta Potty is really a proper noun).  Stay with me here.  This was a women's restroom.  Save for the odd 6 year old boy who is forced to pee within 10 feet of his mother, this bathroom should only be used by women.  The superior sex, am I right?

Then riddle me this.  If women are so easily annoyed by a man's inability to pee without trickling on the seat, floor, or wall at home, WHY was there so much urine on the floor???????????????  Literally infinity question marks are appropriate here.  PLEASE ladies.  Tell me.  How does SO MUCH PEE get on the floor of a women's bathroom?  I walked into one stall, noticed the puddle and stench, and relocated to another, only to find it in the same condition.  Smelly.  Pee everywhere.  Droplets of mystery liquid actually pooling from the base of the toilet to the door of the stall.

Things like this mystify me.  How is it that the inventors of luxuries such as the iPhone and Electricity can act so primitively in public places? Ok, fine. Both of those things were invented by men but I'm generalizing a species here.  Look, I know a lot of us prefer to hover over the toilet bowl, especially in particularly gross conditions because apparently you get HIV/Herpes/Chlamydia/Pregnant from sitting on a public toilet.  WTF have any of you taken a health class?  Jesus.  In High School they really push those scare tactics, but unless you and another person are sitting on the seat simultaneously (and also having sex), I promise you are not going to contract anything.

First of all, I don't go to the gym often enough to be able to squat above a toilet seat while I'm peeing.  Plus there's the issue of aiming.  And if I wanted to feel like I was peeing in the woods, I would go do my business out in the parking lot.  There is a toilet seat for a reason.  Wipe it off.  Carry hand sanitizer, spritz it onto some TP, and disinfect before you sit.  I don't care who you are, there is literally NO reason for you to leave a public restroom knowing you peed more on the floor than in the toilet.  How do you go about the rest of your day knowing someone has to come in and mop up your excrement?

The easiest solution is DON'T PISS ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Oh, and FLUSH when you're done.

It is really that simple.

1 comment

  1. Ha, this post made me laugh out loud! Completely agree!


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